


How To Parent Your Teenage Superhero

by Faithxoxo



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: F/M, Father-Son Relationship, Gabriel Ships It, Gabriel is trying to be a good father, Get these two crazy kids together, Nooroo is Fed Up™, father-son bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:39:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21541594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faithxoxo/pseuds/Faithxoxo
Summary: In which Gabriel finds out Adrien is Chat Noir, resolves to be a better father, and drinks a lot. In that exact order.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir & Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth & Nathalie Sancoeur
Comments: 65
Kudos: 898





	How To Parent Your Teenage Superhero

**Author's Note:**

> This is 100% crack and 100% me needing an outlet for the emotions the Chat Blanc episode left me with. Like Gabriel Agreste really yeeted his son across Paris. What the fuck. I have not stopped crying since I watched it. Adrien Agreste deserves better and I will die mad about it.
> 
> Anyway, this is my attempt to cope with the pain. Enjoy! Love you all xoxo angels :)

* * *

In hindsight, it was extremely obvious Adrien was Chat Noir.

Gabriel felt like one of the incompetent interns he fired on a daily basis because they couldn’t even brew a decent pot of coffee.

He caught Adrien sneaking through his window _stark naked_ , for God’s sakes, speaking to a tiny black creature that looked exactly like Nooroo but with a worse attitude.

Ladybug and Chat Noir had just bested his latest Akuma, Gabriel had been on his way to the nearest liquor store to buy a bottle to drown his sorrows when he came across his son parading around his balcony in the nude.

Naturally, he bought an entire case of the liquor store’s finest wine and spent the rest of the evening getting drunk in his lair.

He ranted to Nooroo, “Does he think I’m an idiot?”

Nooroo gave him a look that clearly expressed what he thought of Gabriel, “You didn’t know it was him until you saw him with Plagg today.”

“Plagg?”

“His kwami.”

“Yes,” Gabriel said. “The furry menace.”

Nooroo snorted like he agreed, “That’s one name for him.”

“How did I not realize it sooner?” Gabriel waved the bottle around frantically. “How does one not realize their son traipses across rooftops in black leather and defeats supervillains in his free time? When does he have the time? I overwork him! And _what_ is that costume? He looks like a stripper.”

Nooroo snorted again, “Plagg’s influence.”

“I don’t like this Plagg.”

“No one does,” Nooroo said. “Except Tikki.”

“Who’s Teriyaki?”

“ _Tikki_. Ladybug’s kwami.”

“Ah! Yes, her too!” Gabriel tried to sit up against the wall he was slouched against and failed miserably. “I don’t like her either! She’s tainting my son and giving him bad ideas.”

Nooroo raised a non-existent eyebrow, “Your son parades around in skin-tight leather.”

Gabriel processed that and downed the rest of the bottle, “What happened to my pure little boy?”

“He developed a _catitude_.”

“No puns!” Gabriel ordered sharply, “ _His_ puns are awful. They are dry and unimaginative and boring, no wonder the spotted menace doesn’t take his advances seriously.”

Gabriel pondered his son’s severe lack of expertise regarding women, “He needs a pamphlet. Should I give him one? Should I have Nathalie give him the talk?”

Nooroo looked sorely unimpressed, “You better give her a raise if you make her do that.”

“She does deserve a raise.” And then, because Gabriel’s mental faculties were on the fritz and Nathalie was a saint for putting up with him and his cat-son’s antics, Gabriel wired one-million euros to her bank account where he usually deposited her paychecks.

“Nathalie is a wonderful women,” He said when the transfer went through. “She always lets me lock myself in my study and never gets on my case when I neglect my son and responsibilities as a parent. She understands me.”

“Yeah…” Nooroo tilted his head. “We need to have a serious talk about that.”

“What?”

“That, what you just said.” Nooroo crossed his tiny arms, “Its child abuse.”

“Is not.”

“Is too.”

“Go to hell, Nooroo.”

“You wonder why your son prances around in a stripper costume,” Nooroo told him frankly. “It’s because you’re a shitty dad.”

Gabriel scowled at the little shit, “Untrue.”

“Very true.”

“Lies.”

“What did you get him for his birthday? Ooh, right. You stole someone else’s gift and wouldn’t even let his friend throw him a party. A-plus parenting.”

“That…” Gabriel paused and decided he was still too sober to have this conversation. He should’ve read the parenting books Adrien got him for father’s day last year. “…Is only one example that can be justified.”

“How?”

“I was having a bad day.”

“Adrien’s been having a bad _life_.”

Gabriel waggled a finger at the floating purple menace, “I will stop feeding you.”

“You need me in order to transform into a weirdo who stalks kids.”

“Lies,” Gabriel repeated. “I don’t just stalk kids. I stalk babies and adults too.”

“Wow,” Nooroo shook his head. “You are all kinds of messed up.”

“I’m doing this for my wife!” Gabriel exploded. “For love.”

“Great motive, still messed up.”

“Little shit,” Gabriel slurred, he was definitely drunk now.

“If you can’t handle the heat, give back the miraculous.” Nooroo countered, eyeing Gabriel in that way that meant he was being judged. He added, “If you drink yourself to death don’t count on me to save you.”

“You are not winning any kwami of the year awards,” Gabriel said, trying to seem threatening with alcohol staining his tie.

“You’re not winning any father of the year awards.” Nooroo replied, the smug bastard.

“I’m not that bad!” Gabriel didn’t need an overgrown caterpillar to tell him how to raise his kid.

“Your son runs around in a leather catsuit.” Nooroo said. “You try to kill him. Every day. Him and the girl he makes googly eyes at. How is that not the worst thing ever?”

 _Oh_.

Gabriel remembered all of the times he’d tried to killed Chat Noir and the one time he’d actually succeeded.

Well.

He supposed he should thank Ladybug for always besting him and stopping him from committing filicide.

“Nooroo.” Gabriel lurched forward and face-planted on the floor, “I’m a terrible father.”

“Really.” Nooroo practically oozed sarcasm. “I’m shocked.”

“Help me.”

“There’s not enough alcohol or therapy in the world for that.”

“It’s called self-medicating,” Gabriel mumbled into the floor, “And evidently it’s working.”

“It’s an unhealthy way to cope.”

“It still means I’m coping.”

“Not well.”

“Nooroo, hush, and help me find a way to keep my son from dressing up like a stripper and throwing himself stupidly into danger.”

“Here’s an idea, stop trying to kill him.”

Gabriel lifted his head, “What?”

“No Hawkmoth, no Akumas, no need for Ladybug and Chat Noir.”

Gabriel’s alcohol-fried mind was not processing this, “What.”

“It’s like talking to a brick wall, except dumber.” Nooroo made a face like he was screaming internally. “Go to sleep Gabriel.”

Gabriel blinked, “How is me sleeping going to stop my son from being a stripper.”

Nooroo head-butted him, knocking the quarter-finished bottle out of his hands. “Go. To. Sleep.”

Gabriel looked down at all that beautiful alcohol, wasted. “Rude. I paid for that.”

“SLEEP.” Nooroo enunciated loudly, “Or I swear I will wake up Duusu.”

Gabriel scrambled to his feet, “No.”

“Yes.”

“You are pure _evil_.”

“Pot, meet kettle.” Nooroo said as Gabriel collapsed in the desk chair he’d moved in here when he’d decided to start rehearsing his monologues pre-Akuma attack.

“My son is a furry,” Was the last coherent thought he had. “How will I ever recover the damage done to my honor?”

Nooroo scoffed, “What honor?”

When Gabriel woke up the next morning, he had a horrible pain in his neck, an even worse head-ache, and the overwhelming urge to throw-up.

“Good morning,” Nooroo said, and the mere sight of him sent Gabriel running for the bathroom.

“Ugh, rude.” Nooroo huffed.

Gabriel dry-heaved over the toilet, “Go to hell, Nooroo.”

“Fine, I hope you have a terrible morning!”

“You were a pain in the ass last night.”

“Once again; pot, meet kettle.”

“I’m going to hit you with a kettle.”

“Come at me, Hawkstalker.”

“I’m too hungover for this.”

“You’re the one choosing to kill your liver, not me.”

Gabriel dragged himself over to the medicine cabinet and popped two Tylenol. “I think I need a vacation.”

“From turning innocent people into villains? Great idea.”

“From you.”

“Ungrateful asshole,” Nooroo hissed.

Gabriel hauled him to his feet and reached blindly for the mouthwash, “I’m going on burnout.”

“Taking a break from the company?”

“Yes.”

“Ooh, there must be an asteroid heading towards Earth. That’s always fun. What’s brought this on?”

“I don’t want my son to be a furry.”

“So…your solution is to stage an intervention and hire a therapist? You’re going to have to pay her an awful lot. Adrien could sure use some therapy.”

“I’m not hiring a therapist.”

“Well you should.”

“I’m going to spend more time with my son, and hopefully, he’ll give up dressing like a stripper.”

Nooroo made a face like he’d bitten into a lemon, “You’re going to ask him to give up his miraculous, just like that?”

“Oh, no. I’m retiring as Hawkmoth.”

Nooroo exploded, “WHAT?”

“Yes. I’m old and I keep getting bested by my son and a little girl in a onesie. I think this supervillain thing has run its course.”

Nooroo looked uncomprehending, “What.”

“Honestly Nooroo, it was your idea.”

“I didn’t think you would actually consider it! I didn’t even think you were listening to me!”

“I was drunk, not brain-dead.”

“Well, good for you.” For the first time since he’d met Nooroo, the kwami wasn’t looking at him like he was a worthless piece of shit. He was looking at him like he was a semi-worthless piece of shit. “I’m…proud.”

“That fills me joy, it really does.”

“Nevermind, you’re still a dick. Wow.”

“Giving up being a supervillain didn’t give me a personality makeover, Nooroo.”

“Well you really need one.”

Gabriel stuck up his middle finger in the kwami’s general direction.

“So when are you giving my miraculous back? And Duusu’s too, for that matter.”

Gabriel arched an eyebrow, “What?”

“You’re giving us back, right?”

“Oh, Nooroo, you misunderstand me. I’m giving up being Hawkmoth, not the miraculous.”

“What.” Nooroo had a conniption fit, “Why?”

“You were right, I do need a therapist. It’s you.”

The kwami looked like he was contemplating suicide, “Oh no.”

“Oh yes.”

“I will _not_ be your therapist.”

“Nooroo, you listened to my problems while I was drunk and pretended to give a shit. You even gave me decent _advice_. You already are my therapist.”

“…I want to die.”

“You’re a God, you can’t die.”

“I hate you so much.”

“I know you mean love.”

“No, I really don’t.”

That morning, after Gabriel snuck out of his lair and greeted Nathalie in his study, he told her he wanted his schedule cleared and Adrien’s too.

Her eyes widened, “Okay.”

“Also, call my executives and tell them I’m taking a sabbatical.”

Her mouth dropped open, “ _Okay_.”

“And I’m giving you the rest of the day off.”

The clipboard fell out of her hands and clattered to the floor, “Sir, are you sick?”

“Yes.” Gabriel said, faking a cough into his sleeve. “Horribly sick, in fact, I plan to be sick for the next six months. Make sure to tell my executives.”

Nathalie squawked, “Six months?”

“Yes, I’m terribly overworked and stressed. I need a vacation and so does my son.” Her face drained of all color, Gabriel eyed her wearily. “I think you need one too, Nathalie. Do you want the whole week off?”

She looked like she was about to spontaneously combust.

“I…no sir. The day off is fine.”

“Perfect. Well, I’m off to go eat breakfast with my son and not be a negligent father, please see to it we are not disturbed.”

“Of c-course, sir.”

He patted her shoulder and started to leave. “Sir?”

“Yes?”

“I think you accidentally deposited some money into my account last night—”

“Oh, it was no accident. It’s your Christmas bonus.”

“Sir, its spring.”

“Then it’s your spring bonus.”

He strolled into the dining room and sat down in the chair next to his son’s, Adrien did a double take and spat out the orange juice he was drinking.

Gabriel stared, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, you’re…here.”

“Yes.”

“Don’t you have a board meeting today?”

“I’m on sabbatical.”

Adrien spat out more juice, “ _What_? Are you _okay_?”

“I’m perfectly fine, I thought I would take some time off so we could spend more time together. I had Nathalie clear your schedule of all extracurriculars and I thought that you and I could do something together after you finish school.”

Adrien’s left eye twitched and then he fell out of his chair.

Gabriel peered over the table, “Adrien?”

“Yes?”

“If you’d rather spend time with your friends that’s fine.”

“NO! No, we should definitely do something together! I have a binder full of father-son bonding activities I thought I’d never get to use—”

 _Oh God_ , Gabriel thought as Adrien rambled on excitedly. _This poor boy. I have been neglecting him._

 _Fuck_. Nooroo was right.

“Whatever you want to do is fine,” Gabriel said. “As long as it’s nothing illegal.”

“There goes my idea to steal the Mona Lisa from the Louvre—”

“Very funny.”

Adrien grinned. It was like a ray of pure sunshine.

 _I’m a terrible person_ , he thought to himself.

“What time does school start?”

“In…half an hour. I should probably go.”

“Yes,” Gabriel walked Adrien to the door like a good parent and waved to him as he left.

“Nathalie.”

She appeared out of thin air, “Yes sir?”

“Before you leave can you tell me where those parenting books Adrien bought me for father’s day last year are?”

“….Of course, sir.”

He managed to get through the first five chapters of book one before he flung it against the wall in anger.

“Damn, I really am the worst.”

Nooroo picked up the book and dropped it back on his lap, “Yes you are. Keep reading.”

That afternoon after Adrien finished school, Gabriel was waiting in the living room for him to return.

“How was school?”

Adrien stared, “Oh my God, I really wasn’t hallucinating this morning.”

“No, you were not. School?”

“It was good. I got an A on our last chem test.”

“Good. Show those peasants you’re better than them.”

Adrien rolled his eyes, “Father.”

“What, do you see how some of them dress? The only person in your class that has even a shred of style is Miss Bourgeois, and that derby hat girl.”

Adrien arched an eyebrow, “You mean Marinette?”

“I seldom remember peoples’ names, Adrien.”

Adrien decided he wanted to go out for ice cream and then go on a boat ride across the Seine. Gabriel had their private boat waiting for them at the docks and bought Adrien the biggest ice cream he’d ever seen in his life.

Adrien looked awestruck, “But what about my diet?”

“It can go die.”

“…Was that a joke?”

“It was an attempt. Eat your ice cream.”

Adrien ate the ice cream in ten seconds flat, he was hyper and overexcited about every little thing for the rest of the day.

“Adrien, don’t jump off the boat.”

“But father, I bet I can fly!”

“Don’t be absurd. You have the powers of a cat, not a bird.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Forget it. If you get sick I will forbid you from watching Sailor Moon.”

“How dare you!”

“I’m extremely evil, this is something you will learn about me.”

Adrien did not jump off the boat, but he did start singing at the top of his lungs. He terrified a group of ducks floating nearby and they all scattered in a panic.

“You’re torturing animals.”

“Father, sing with me!”

“I will not assist you in animal cruelty.”

“Father!”

“Fine. But none of that wretched ear-bleeding pop crap you kids call music these days.”

“I’m mildly offended.”

“Good.”

They received strange looks from the people in neighboring boats, but Gabriel paid them no attention. If he wanted to sing with his son then he’d sing with his son.

“Ducks have it easy.”

“Adrien, what foolishness are you babbling now?”

“Look at them, they have no responsibilities! I wish I was a duck.”

“Wouldn’t you rather be a cat?”

“Oh, yeah. Preferably a black cat.”

“Oh my God, you are terrible at this.”

“At what?”

“Nothing.”

They ate supper at a restaurant of Adrien’s choice and returned home at around eight o’clock. Adrien had homework that wouldn’t complete itself and Gabriel did not want to be responsible for his son flunking out of school. That would not be a good parent thing to do.

And Gabriel was working on being a good parent. He’d call this first day a success.

“Goodnight, father.”

“Goodnight, Adrien.”

* * *

“Nooroo,” Gabriel yelled. “Where’s my taking-over-the-world tie?”

Nooroo dove into his closet and flew back out with it. “I never thought I’d see you wear this again.”

Gabriel shrugged, “Reinvention requires work. I like the color.”

“I trust you’re not _actually_ going to take over the world. I’ll feel like I’ve personally failed as your therapist if you do.” Nooroo said.

“Don’t be absurd. Today’s goal is infinitely harder than world domination.” Gabriel shuddered, hesitant to even think about what he was about to attempt. “I’m going to drive Adrien to school and attend…a PTA meeting.” He shouldered on his blazer grimly, “My life as I know it is over.”

Nooroo looked him dead in the eyes, “It wasn’t nice knowing you. Don’t rest in peace.”

“Away,” Gabriel swatted at him. “I’m in distress. I have a terrible headache that keeps coming and going.”

“Migraine?” Nooroo inquired.

“You,” Gabriel said.

“UNGRATEFUL—” Nooroo began his usual rage-filled tirade. There was a knock at Gabriel’s door that made the kwami go silent. Thank the Lord who took pity on his poor decrepit soul.

“Sir,” Nathalie’s voice came through. “Monsieur Gorille is waiting outside to drive Adrien to school and he’s in the dining hall if you want to join him for breakfast.”

“Obviously,” Gabriel called. “Tell him I’ll be there in a few short minutes.”

There was a pause. “Really?”

Gabriel responded, “Yes.”

Nathalie answered, “You’re sure?”

Gabriel enunciated as clearly as he could manage, “Yes. Nathalie. Am I speaking in a different language? Sometimes I can’t tell.”

“No, Sir. Just…is this going to be an everyday thing from now on?” Nathalie sounded mildly uncomfortable and extremely confused.

“Don’t most fathers do this every day with their sons?” Gabriel demanded. “Am I not reading the correct parenting book?”

“No. You are. Just unusual.” Nathalie cleared her throat. “Permission to speak freely, Sir?”

“Oh dear. That’s never good.” Nooroo nodded encouragingly. Gabriel huffed and decided to bite the bullet. “Go ahead.”

“Excuse me if this is intrusive, but by chance have you been possessed by a demon?”

“No,” Gabriel looked himself over, glancing at Nooroo for further confirmation. The kwami shook its head. “No, I don’t think so, I could be wrong.”

“Right. Good to know. I’ll leave you to it.” He heard her heels clicking as she walked away, heard her say to someone else as she left; “Get the salt, just to be sure. There should be holy water here somewhere too.”

“Nooroo,” Gabriel asked. “Do demons exist?”

“Yeah, they’re like a darker, less awesome rip-off of us,” Nooroo said sagely. “But we don’t talk about them at Kwami reunions. They’re the black sheep of the family.”

Gabriel blinked owlishly, “Good to know.”

“I thought you were a demon when I first met you,” Nooroo continued conversationally. “Turns out there’s no excuse, you’re just a jerk.”

“One of these days I’m going to broil you in the oven,” Gabriel promised, heading for the door so he could get a few minutes with Adrien before he left. “But today is not that day.”

“When will that day be? Just so I know when my suffering will finally be over.”

“As soon I learn how to operate an oven, I’ll let you know,” Gabriel said coolly. Nooroo hid inside his blazer pocket as he rounded the hallway and entered the dining room.

“Good morning, father,” Adrien greeted cheerfully.

“Good morning,” Gabriel took his seat beside Adrien, frowning as he noticed the dark circles under his son’s eyes. “Is it look like a racoon day at your school?”

“What?” Adrien looked taken aback. “What do you mean?”

“You look like someone gave you two black eyes,” Fury filled Gabriel’s entire being. “Did someone give you two black eyes? What’s his name—Adrien, give me his name—”

“No one hit me,” Adrien said, “Also, I still wouldn’t give you their name, because I don’t want to be an accomplice to murder.”

Gabriel’s frown deepened. “Are you not sleeping enough?” He thought about Adrien sneaking back into his room, and wondered how many times he’d snuck out of it, possibly at night when he should have been _sleeping_.

Adrien nodded hesitantly, “I’ve been having trouble sleeping. Nightmares, thinking about mom, the usual.”

And just like that, Gabriel was back to feeling like the world’s shittiest dad.

Words burst out of him, “I’m sorry I never read those parenting books you got me for Father’s Day.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry I overworked you and kept threatening your Chinese teacher to continue giving you lessons—”

“ _What_?”

“I,” Gabriel took a deep breath. “Am a horrible person. I’m at the top of the worst father list, right below Darth Vader.”

“Hey, you’re not that bad,” Adrien said. “Vader cut off his son’s hand.”

 _And as Hawkmoth I tried to kill you all the time_ , Gabriel didn’t say.

“I forbade you from eating ice cream.” He’d done so many shitty things, he ought to compile them into a comprehensive list. Nooroo would probably do it.

“You had a show coming up,” Adrien tried to justify. “I had to watch what I was eating.”

Gabriel threw his hands up melodramatically, “I got a restraining order against that idiot Nino because he called me dude and wears a hideous cap!”

Adrien’s mouth rounded in an ‘o’. “You _what_?”

“Adrien,” Gabriel tried to compose himself. “I think we need father-son counselling.”

Adrien stared at him for a moment before reaching out and grasping Gabriel’s hand, “Okay, we’ll do it together. Whatever I can do to help you, I’ll do it.”

Gabriel gaped, “I don’t deserve you.”

“Don’t say that,” Adrien pulled him into a side-hug. “Of course you do. Everyone deserves help.”

“I was going to file a complaint at the PTA meeting at your school today and get your principle fired,” Gabriel revealed, in the spirit of trying to be honest with his son.

“What, why?”

“He’s a middle-aged man who runs around in an owl costume,” Gabriel said. “Do I need a better excuse?”

Adrien was late for school. Gabriel went to his first PTA meeting and got Principal Damocles fired. He made a note to bribe the school board into letting him select a candidate to be the next principal.

“I want Lila Rossi expelled,” He said, remembering how Adrien had told him she’d tried to manipulate him and ignored his boundaries. “And tell Miss Bourgeois she’s on thin ice.”

None of the idiots at the meeting knew what he doing there, and yet they were all too visibly terrified to tell him no.

“I think you’re taking this involved parent thing too far,” Nooroo said.

“No such thing,” Gabriel replied.

* * *

On the rapidly expanding list of things Gabriel had not previously known about his son, Gabriel found himself adding a lot of things as he went out of his way to spend more time with Adrien.

One—his son was Chat Noir. The shame was still fresh, his son’s alter ego was a walking fashion disaster. Who thought a _bell_ was a good idea?

Two—Adrien kept a list of father-son bonding activities on hand at all times. It was honestly a little pathetic but Gabriel kept that to himself.

Three—Adrien had absolutely no clue how to talk to a girl.

He learned this against his will. He blamed Nooroo, and Nathalie, for refusing to give Adrien the talk the first time Gabriel tried to pay her to do it.

Maybe attending father-son therapy sessions was making Adrien braver, because he’d started asking Gabriel _questions_ and making _sarcastic comments_ and doing _rebellious teen things_ and Gabriel was Not Equipped™ to handle these developments. He was still on chapter three of parenting book two of eight.

“Father,” Adrien had ambushed him during dinner. “Can I ask you a question?”

A dark sense of foreboding caused Gabriel to choke on a cherry tomato. “No,” He replied.

Adrien asked anyway, “How can I get a girl to notice me?”

Gabriel could feel his impending doom creeping upon him.

“Wear a bag over your head,” He said. “Very effective.”

Nooroo, hidden in the inner pocket of his blazer, pinched him.

“I mean,” Gabriel sighed, resigning himself to his fate. “Why do you think she isn’t noticing you?”

“I’ve told her how I felt, I’ve complimented her, I’ve told her how amazing I think she is—but she never seems to take me seriously.”

 _Obviously_ , Gabriel thought, but didn’t say. _It’s hard to take a pun-making simpleton in a catsuit seriously_.

“Actions speak louder than words,” Gabriel imparted his wisdom. “Next time you see her, do something you know will grab her attention. Tell her very clearly how you feel, and if she still decides to be a brain-dead idiot and not accept your offer of affection, as only a brain-dead idiot would,” Gabriel finished. “Then you respect her idiotic decision and move onto someone with more than half a braincell.”

He realized he was being slightly rude; he simply didn’t care.

Adrien looked like he was either thinking it over or having regrets. “That’s…pretty good advice. Thank you, father.” His expression dimmed a little, “If only I knew when I was going to see her next, we only get to see each other on special occasions, and lately, I haven’t had the opportunity to meet up with her.”

 _Oh shit_.

Gabriel dropped his fork.

He hadn’t thought what giving up his supervillain ways would do to his son’s love life, without any Akuma attacks, there’d be no need for the bug and the cat to come out and do any world-saving.

Well, it seemed Hawkmoth would have to make a grand reappearance. Part of being a good father was being supportive of his son’s dating endeavors, and God knew Adrien would never get anywhere on his own.

“I’m sure you’ll get to see her again soon,” Gabriel said, pulling Adrien into a one-armed hug. He was slowly getting better at this physical affection thing.

“How can you know?” Adrien asked.

“Because I’m always right,” Gabriel said. “Obviously.”

* * *

“So, you’re coming out of supervillain retirement,” Nooroo surmised. “To be your son’s wingman?”

“Precisely,” Gabriel said, flicking on the lights in his lair and opening up the windows. Standing in the dark was good for monologuing, but Gabriel had also given up monologuing when he’d given up being Hawkmoth.

“I feel the need to point out that this is still kind of unethical,” Nooroo said.

“Thank you for making that announcement I didn’t care about,” Gabriel said. “Nooroo, dark wings rise.”

“I despise you,” Nooroo said, disappearing into the brooch as the magic of the transformation washed over him.

“Alright,” Gabriel said, popping the top of his saber and letting an Akuma fly out through the skylight. “Go, my little Akuma. Go, and akumatize some poor sap so that I can help my son with his pitiful dating life.”

Gabriel was careful to sort through his options first, usually, he directed his Akumas to someone whose negative emotions were overwhelming. However, this time, he selected someone who’d missed their bus and was mildly inconvenienced, rather than someone who was spitting mad and ready to rain hell on Paris.

He figured that was the morally right thing to do. Somewhere, Nooroo probably agreed with him.

“Latecomer,” Gabriel hadn’t had time to come up with a suitably evil name. “I am Hawkmoth, I will grant you the power to…uh…” He stared at the ceiling for inspiration. “To make sure all the buses in Paris start running on time! So that no one will ever have to miss a bus again!” Gabriel gave himself a pat on the back for his quick-thinking.

“I’m ready, Hawkmoth!” Latecomer said eagerly. “What do I have to do in return? Get you Ladybug and Chat Noir’s miraculous?”

“Absolutely not,” Gabriel said firmly. “Why would I want that?”

“I—I don’t know, isn’t that what you normally want?” The Akuma sounded confused.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Gabriel denied. “I’ve never seen a miraculous in my life.”

“Don’t you have one?” The Akuma inquired.

“Irrelevant,” Gabriel snapped. “Now stop talking and go—destroy some stuff.”

Chat Noir and Ladybug showed up six minutes and 3 collapsed buildings later. Latecomer was targeting bus stations, although Gabriel made sure no people actually got injured. He kept a running list of all the things Nooroo would disapprove of and let that be his moral compass.

He really needed to buy himself some morals, but he didn’t know any stores that sold them.

“Hawkmoth, finally come out of hiding?” Ladybug called out. “I knew you would show up again eventually!”

“Did you miss us that much?” Chat Noir laughed.

Gabriel wondered how he had ever lost to these two bumbling fools. And one of them was his _son_ , Adrien was dragging the family name _through the mud_.

“Latecomer, tell Chat Noir he looks ridiculous and that he’s dishonouring his family,” Gabriel said, because his honour would never recover.

“You look ridiculous and you’re dishonouring your family!” Latecomer yelled, pointing dramatically at Chat Noir.

Both heroes paused. Ladybug glanced at Chair Noir.

“What?” Chat Noir looked baffled.

Gabriel took full control of the Akuma’s reins, it was time to be his son’s wingman.

“Listen here, children.” Gabriel said. “It’s obvious you both care about each other but you’re both too dense and clueless to address it. Chat Noir, man up and tell Ladybug how you feel. And Ladybug, if you can’t see what an amazing person Chat Noir is then you’re more oblivious than a fourteen-year-old schoolgirl.”

Seeing that he’d managed to make them both extremely uncomfortable, and that they were both blushing, Gabriel took that as sign of his victory.

“Hawkmoth out,” He said, letting go of the Akuma victim and directing his Akuma to come back to him. Once the Akuma was safely back, he let his transformation drop and caught Nooroo as he spilled out of the brooch.

“I’d say that went very well,” He said. “I should write my own parenting book because clearly all of the other parents are doing it wrong.”

“I think I liked it better when you spent your time monologuing,” Nooroo said.

* * *

The next time he and Adrien ate supper together, Adrien came running at him and ambushed him with a hug before Gabriel could mentally prepare himself.

“I did exactly what you said!” Adrien beamed. “I saw her today—the girl I was telling you about—and I told her how I felt. I told her everything, all of it. And she feels the same way! She said she just didn’t realize it before because she loved someone else, but after we talked some more, it turns out _I_ was the other guy she liked. What are the chances of that?”

Gabriel stared blankly into space like he was on the office, “More likely than anyone would think.”

“What?” Adrien glanced at him.

“Nothing,” Gabriel switched topic quickly. “So, I take it your confession went well?”

“It did,” Adrien smiled, brighter than the sun. “We’re dating.”

“Wonderful,” Gabriel said, feeling a mix of happiness and pride. “So, when do I get to meet this girl?”

“You’ve already met her, actually.” Adrien said. “It’s the girl who won your fashion contest at my school a while back, Marinette Dupain-Cheng.”

Distantly, Gabriel swore he could hear Nooroo laughing at him all the way from his office.

“The derby hat girl?” Gabriel inquired woodenly. “Her?”

“Yes. Are you alright, father? You’ve gone pale.”

“Nathalie,” Gabriel called out. She appeared out of thin air, as she usually did. “Come fan me, I’m think I’m having a heart attack.”

“WHAT.” Adrien said, at the same time Nathalie said, “It’s alright, Sir. I’ve prepared for this.”

Three glasses of wine later, Gabriel still felt like the most incompetent person on the planet, because his entire career as a supervillain he’d been being bested by two _fourteen-year old’s_.

“Adrien, make me a promise,” Gabriel said.

“Anything,” Adrien replied, perched on the armrest of Gabriel’s chair.

“Tell Miss Dupain-Cheng that as a fellow designer, I am _extremely_ disappointed in her.”

“What? Why? Her designs are great!”

“How can you say that?” Gabriel was aghast. “She fights crime in that spotted _atrocity_.”

Adrien went chalk-white, “…. She what?”

Gabriel froze.

Nathalie, who was standing off to the side of Gabriel’s chair with a giant fan in her hands, arched an eyebrow.

“Is the cat out of the bag?” She said. Adrien fainted.

He booked himself and Adrien a solid week more of father-son therapy.


End file.
